The Magic of Oz (part 1)
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MELBOURNE
FEBRUARY 3-5
On the morning of the 4th, I awoke at seven, ready for my "Direct Kiwi" breakfast. But I was in a Melbourne hotel room, while the Direct Kiwi was ploughing away at 20 mph towards Sydney.
I left my hotel in search of breakfast. It was Sunday and nothing was open. I looked hopefully for a coffee shop-- even a Starbucks. Some of the ship's passengers had told me there were Starbucks all over Australia. They were wrong. But they'd also told me I was insane for going around the world sans airplane, so what did they know?
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Roo Crossing
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I was getting tired of being told I was insane. Four out of five people I met thought I was nuts. The fifth would ask to come along.
After a month of surface travel, I was already halfway around the world. I hadn't originally planned to go around the world. I had thought of going as far away from New York as I geographically could, and then making my way home from there. It was only after I realized that Australia was the opposite side of the world, and it would only take a train and a ship to get me there, that I made the current plan.
I ate a disgusting cake-like muffin at the train station and caught the tram to the CBD. Downtown areas in Australia are called "CBD's," or Central Business Districts. At Town Hall I boarded the "Melbourne Explorer" ticket for the double-decker sightseeing bus.
There aren't many sights to see in Melbourne, but the tourist bus, like most things in Australia, was cheap. My ISIC card, as usual, got me a further discount. For a grand total of $13.83 US, I got to ride around in air-conditioned comfort and look at the city.
Melbourne, with its population of 3.3 million, is a newish city, at least by New York standards. The CBD is compact and walkable, and the tram system was efficient and easy to figure out. My only complaint was that the entire city, with the exception of the casino and train station, closed down at 6 p.m.
Tree branches scraped the top of the bus as the driver said his spiel. Bus drivers in Australia are apparently all comedians and tour guides in addition to their chosen professions. Perhaps they're bored driving around all day.
"Here we are at the intersection of Flinders and Swanston," said the bus driver. "It's the busiest intersection in the world."
I had a look around and chuckled. It's all in your perspective, I supposed. The intersection didn't look at all busy.
After going to the funky area of Fitzroy for lunch, I wandered back towards the hotel. Even Kinko's, in spite of its "open 24 hours" sign, closed at 6. For the second night, I went over to the Crown Casino Complex for dinner. Last night I had been accompanied by a bevy of Russian sailors. Tonight I was alone, and had a burrito in honor of the Estonian electrician.
The following day, I visited the Melbourne College of Hair and Beauty, where I paid a young Australian woman $25 to bleach my roots. It was her 22nd birthday. She had never been outside Melbourne.
"It's a nice city," I offered.
"Some parts," she said ominously. I was skeptical. Melbourne looked clean, orderly, and crime-free.
I walked to the post office, passing a comic book store en route. Its entryway was graced by a six foot tall Hulk cutout, drawn by Bruce Timm and colored by yours truly.
I sent home loads of stuff from the main post office. I had done the same thing from Los Angeles. It was a spatial relations mystery to me-- I was always shedding gear, but my bag was always overstuffed and the weight never decreased.
That night, after my final dinnertime visit to the casino, I boarded the overnight train to Adelaide.
"OVERLAND" TRAIN FROM MELBOURNE TO ADELAIDE
FEBRUARY 5-6
OVERNIGHT, 10.5 HOURS
Great Southern Railways had initially offered me a nice discount on my Australian train trip. But after one positive response, they had quit responding to my e-mails. Just as well, or I would feel guilty for mentioning that the "Overland" was shabby.
The "Overland" was given a million dollar refurbishment in 1999, but it still looked mangy and decrepit. The seats felt beat-up, like a few springs were missing. The footrests didn't go down far enough, so no matter what, my legs were cramped. I looked around to see how the tall people were managing. They just appeared to endure the discomfort.
I had no seatmate so I abandoned the footrest altogether and curled up in a little ball -- a skill I'd mastered when I was 23 and took a Greyhound across the U.S.
I woke up to see that all the shades were drawn, save one. I watched flashes of landscape, like a filmstrip of the countryside. Here- a solitary image of the pink and blue sunrise. There- a flash of a field or hillside with thick foliage.
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ADELAIDE
FEBRUARY 6
There was a free shower in the Adelaide train station, and the hand dryer doubled as a hair dryer. I'd had a decent sleep on the "Overland" so I was in good spirits until I noticed two old women giving me the hairy eyeball.
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Adelaide center
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Did I look like a transient? Did I smell? No, that was impossible. I was clean. One of the ladies stepped forward.
"Excuse me," she said. 'Are you done with the shower?"
Relieved, I vacated the premises and boarded the city bus to the Greyhound station. I was ignored during fare collection and rode for free. My luck was holding. The driver gave the passengers a tour, but I couldn't understand a word of his Australian accent. He cut his speech short when the radio was giving away free Elton John tickets. He turned his attention to his mobile phone.
My first stop was the Central Market, where I ordered an iced coffee. I stopped the counter attendant just as she was about to squeeze Redi-whip onto my coffee.
"What is that?" I asked, horrified. Not only was she giving the "iced coffee" the fake cream treatment, she had also plopped a scoop of chocolate ice cream into it.
"Iced coffee," she replied, looking at me like I was a complete moron.
"I'm sorry," I said. "Iced coffee is something different where I come from. It's just ice and coffee."
She looked askance at me and then made me a real iced coffee. I drank it and slipped away, wondering if it was the curse of every New Yorker to believe that they are right about everything. OF COURSE I was right about the iced coffee. It was self-explanatory -- just look at the name. Was it just that shop, or all of Australia that had it wrong?
I walked around Adelaide. Nice city of 1.1 million, lots of trees and grass, warm today with lots of sun. What fab tourist sights would I see first on my big 12 hour day in Adelaide?
None, I thought. I headed straight to the bohemian district, to laze about in cafes and shops. Rundle Street, according to my guidebook, was the best in "haute grunge." I expected this description to be preposterous but after having a look around, I decided that it wasn't too absurd. There were some edgy restaurants, interesting shops, and iMacs on the street. Passer-by's could check their e-mail for free. I liked Adelaide.
Next: The Magic of Oz - part 2 (Alice Springs)